If My Words Were Wisdom I'd Be Talking Even More..

FoShizzle..

2006-12-23T05:43:00.000-08:00

How to wake Sky up?
People tried so hard, again and again.
Mostly I don't even lift up one eye for a cm, I don't HEAR you, and I won't wake up.
After I woke up I fall asleep again, this ritual could return.
This ritual happened 5 times continued in one morning..
So waking Sky up?
That's a difficult job to do..
Though... Day's way worked!

Sunday morning 17-12-06
Valerio: "Nathaaaaljaaa wake uuuuuup sweety... nathaaaaljaaa honeeeey...pretty..."
(after many sweet delicious words you'd wanna hear from every man)
Me: *nothing* ZzzZzzzZ

Day: "HEY PIKKENLIKKER WORD ES WAKKER! HEY LOEREDRAAIER!! PIKKOOOOOO!"
(trans.: Hey Cocksucker wake up, hey Loeredraaier *sorry don't know any other word for it* dickoooooooo !" )
And Sky woke up in a record of 3 seconds!!

Besides, any Dutch who knows a good translation for Loeredraaier? I don't really know the Dutch word itself either haha..

Still it is fucking funny to me everytime I hear or see Valerio speak/write Dutch to me. I got used to Italian and cute English, not to his Dutch. It doesn't match to the person, especially not when he's speaking in typically Dutch usage like "Godverdomme ik moet nog dweilen.. kutzooi"
He makes me laugh my ass off when he says that.
I think Day agrees when I say that Vale is a great friend, we should definately see more often than once in a while

And besides, to all of you: A merry Xmas and a naughty erm.. Happy new year!

(If you have plans to drink, drink some for me too!)

And: * Try to remember the next day too who you've tried to hit on
* Don't puke in (someone else's) cars (I did it once, they'll hate you)
* Don't mix up drinks with nasty alcohol combinations
* Don't go strip your clothes off on a pooltable (keep this to private action)
* Beware for annoying drunk people, once you say hi they stick on you
* Don't do karaoke, no matter how much whiskey's you've had
* Never make new years resolutions, accept you're like this jerks!

And: DON'T DO ANYTHING SKY WOULDN'T DO.. ENJOY!

2006-12-07T15:03:00.000-08:00

More from the cuffs,locks and chains shooting..

If you get bored soon, don't look (MANY MANY pics ;) )

Men... arrest them all!

2006-11-24T06:15:00.000-08:00

I have weird dreams.. duuuude haha.
I don't know where they came from, but they are quite strange.
Those dreams are in different situations but about the same thing that happens.

I'm arresting two annoying nasty men, shout to them to lie down, put a gun next to their heads, ask them questions, totally abuse and humiliate hem to hell, cuff their hands on their back, command them to stand up, fear them with my gun again and then shoot, WITH WATER CAUSE THE GUN TURNS OUT TO BE A SUPERSOAKER WATERPISTOL!!
I free them from the handcuffs, push them roughly on the floor, laugh loud at them and say "Don't you know it is the 1st of April, THE day of stupid practical jokes? Monkeys..."

Then I walk away, night goes on and I leave with the sexiest man out there :P
(I shall save you from details)

AAAAAAH I laughed so hard when I woke up and realized I dreamt so foolish again.
I told you, don't know WHERE those dreams come from haha, but it's funny to me.

Maybe my secret greatest wish is to be a cop? Who knows..
Though I don't think so, I'd be a man-abusing, secret affaires having, perverted bitchassed cop! And a cop in pvc is also not really allowed :(
If the office is waiting for such colleagues...? lol

Last night was quite bad actually, cause it was so good :P
The people were BORING, none of my friends were there so I was alone.
But not for long cause I saw some girls that I knew slightly, drank some beers with them, smoked some strong weed, went to McDonalds, ate a mcQuarterpounder, Chocolate CHip Cookies and a MCFlurry, went back to the pub, drank mooooore beers, after almost too many beers we smoked two good weed joints again, then some more beer and then it was time to go home :| AARGH
I must admit, I felt veeery happy :P but that was probably cause I had almost no sense of reality anymore?

I cannot wait, I want 5dec!

Ooh and first TrickyDisco cause I'll see the fake-Paul again *lol*

Weekend

2006-11-19T07:11:00.000-08:00

Sober.. hangover.. last night was.. eeeeeeh... great fun.. can't remember much.. though I know I had a good time.
I think I'm spoiled with the big parties and concerts, vip-treatments and all including stuff. Now this weekend there was only some little concerts from unknown bands in the willemeen the pub and nothing more.. and it wasn't enough for me!
Just a boring pub isn't fun anymore, it doesn't satisfy me at all.. lol

Los Angeles.. Mayhem... contract... woohoo!

Going to Germany the 5th of December with my sweety Nathalie.
She's going to meet her biggest crush, and I'm going to spend time with someone I haven't seen for a few weeks now.. Godd.
I can't wait to see him! Denying feelings sucks, though denying isn't the right word.
We have to hide it, that's even worse. When there's anyone around us we have to be good friends, and I can say I just wish this wasn't needed anymore.
But such a shame, better if we do. Until a certain moment, cause I want justice.
It's impossible now, but, for a future nothing is impossible. We have to work things out.
I just don't dare to think of a future, I don't wanna lose this "game", it's just like I don't want to hear the truth because there's also a chance I'm gonna lose this. I don't wanna face it, cause I don't want to hear stuff I'd rather forget about. But living a lie, is that a solution? Or living a dream that is not gonna happen? But on the other side, it could also happen. It could be, it could work out.
Only time can tell

Last night

2006-11-14T02:19:00.000-08:00

Now people could call me insane but my father witnessed!
I think I'm going paranoid or something, I cannot take this fear.

Last night I slept at dads' place (Weekly on mondays and tuesdays) and they always go to bed round 12, and then I usually stay awake downstairs watching some tv.
It was very late, round 3 o'clock when I notice three hard knocks on thw window.
I sat in the livingroom with the curtains closed, no lights on, only tv and two candles. I shocked but thought it must have been the weather.
After a while I heard it again, three discrete hard taps on the window.
I knew this wasn't the weather, this sounded too rhytmic to be a natural cause.
Someone was outside. I reminded how dad always tells me "Sky DONT open up when I am not home, there are too many dangerous people" Also because of his job, and our past we just cannot do such things, too risky. I did not even dare to watch, I removed a part of the curtain and saw my name written on the window in the steam of the cold. Jesus!
I held my breathe and wanted to wake up my father. But when I was at the doorstep of the livingroom to go upstairs the "someone" knocked again, this time even more rough and unpatient. I shocked so badly that I screamed and hit all the light buttons that I had in reach. All of the lights switched on, also the light in the garden. My dad already heard some noise and came to look downstairs. We could quickly see somebody run away through the glass of the frontdoor. My dad could not catch the person, he or she was already far gone when we reached the door.

I really had NO sleep last night. I was frightened and I did not even dare to close my eyes and attention for a second. I've sat up in bed with the lights on, and as soon as I nearly fell asleep I woke up and looked around.
I was scared to lose my attention and let things happen.
I've cried like a kid and had no idea what to do.
Going to the police would make it only worse.

I have no evidence WHO it could have been, no alibi, no source.
But somehow I think I know. Whoever would do these things to me?
My "Ex-stepmom" is free now for a while already. She told me when she got arrested that I'd pay for this later, when she had her chance.
She said she'd come back for me.
This person came for me, knew my name, knew that only I was awake.
She always frightened me on the most ridiculous ways. She is no human, she's a monster! She loves to see me suffer, to see me scared. To see me fear for her. That's what she wants, what makes her feel good. She always worked that way.
I thought nobody could do me harm now that she was in jail, but since she is out, I know someday she will be there.
The big question is when, but someday she will. Could be now, could be in ten years but could also have been last night.
And due to her insane ideas I think she's the right person for such actions.
Even if it was only to scare me off.

I think I cannot do to her what she she has done to me, I cannot murder anyone.
But I'm afraid when we meet again, I feel like killing her big time.
I just hope I can stop myself from that, I will NEVER look like her.

Emo Journal :S sorry

2006-11-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

Do you ever have the feeling you want to kill someone because you hate him so badly?
My stepfather is going more insane every day.
And still he doesn't see he's only seperating us more, and makes me go away.
I cannot deal with his ridiculous rules, comments and most of all: orders.
He cannot talk to me or ask me a favor, he can only yell to me and give me orders. Whenever my door opens up, I know it's my father with an angry attitude telling me to "(fill in)"

I know I am not good enough for you, and I know I'm not the person you've wished for. I am not perfect, and you don't find me pretty. I am not succesful enough and you think I am a kid.
But just leave me alone. Don't bother me all the time. Don't make me feel this way. You make me sad, very sad.
Any word you say I could cry about for hours, because you've never been like this. When we met you were just a man trying to replace my father.
I didn't accept you cause I feared any man. I have said MANY rude things to you, I've rejected you completely. I've insulted you daily, and even slapped you a few times. But somehow you convinced me the opposite.
And you became my father. And I still regret all of this I've done to you, and wonder sometimes if you still remember this. I cry about the fact that I've been like that to you, but you don't know. You only know what is wrong about me.

I hope my mom stops with her mental illness games soon. I get tired.
Now I've started this I can tell you.
She fakes illness, diseases, and tells lies to everyone for a little attention.
Small tiny lies but also big ones, about me for example.
She wants to be considered as poor defenseless woman, she describes me as a lazy nasty mean and bigmouthed daughter who treats her mother so bad.
But at the same time she tries to act like my best friend too. She doesn't know what she's talking about. She can change any second. Now is this borderline or what? She's doing this for years now, and gets medication which are not really helping yet.. I wonder what her next personality will be.

I just want this to be over. I get more annoyed by every comment, order or lie everyday. If I clean the whole house she hates me for not washing the windows, it is never enough. I am on a certain point of "I cannot take this anymore".
I get attacked by people often that tell me to care about my mom better because she's broken and down. But they don't see I am down too.
I act happy but especially the last few weeks I feel I cannot go on like this anymore. I am so stupid, a crying kid. But I cannot help it.
Emotions just overwhelm me, and situations make me run upstairs to close my ears and eyes immediately. I cannot face facts anymore. I rather turn away.

I recognize myself too much right now, and I don't want to be like this again. But I don't know what to do. I am only scared that I'll fall back into my old self again. I've sworn nobody would ever bring me down again the way it happened before but again my parents seem to manage this.

Just forgive me for having a moment of weakness, will you?
I just have to write it down somewhere, so it's not stuck in my head anymore. I feel overloaded by stuff.

Someone called me, whispered "BITCH" in my ear and ended the phonecall.
It was a private caller, and too soft to recognize.
But I know my former stepmom is out of jail since a few months.
And she told me years ago I was gonna pay for betraying her.
I have no idea IF she could find my number.. We've changed our lastnames and adress, removed any known detail from the past. I only hope this was just an idiot calling random numbers, I fear this a little.
But maybe I am acting paranoid. If so, sorry for that.

I'm gonna check out rooms and my finances. I need to move.

Some updating shit!

2006-11-07T03:08:00.000-08:00

I should write here more often.. *sigh*

A lot of changes I've been through.
Some nice and good changes, but also some less happy things.

First of all I am really happy that my stepmom is doing so well.
She's gonna get her last chemo in two weeks.
One month after the chemo stopped her hair will start to grow back again.
For her I hope this will happen fast.
She's generally very tired, sick and feels feverish.
We all know this has nothing to do with having a cold or a nasty flu.
I am so proud of her because she's a very couraged woman I admire very much!

This weekend we'll be off to Scheveningen to spend some good time @ The Coast.
Here I always find my peace somehow.

Last weekend Nath was here again. She's my sweet doll, we had a GREAT time.
We had a photoshooting together a while ago. We're gonna do this much more often, it is a great excuse for getting free traintickets from the photographer and travel all for free to see eachother ;) LOL

I have quite many photoshootings in a short period.
Unfortunately a photographer plaed the jerk, stressed me out and now I am the fucked person here. Probably they kick me, rightnow they set me on the non-active model status :S JESUS. And only because I follwed my mind not to go along with a dumb freaky borderliner photographer who acted like an immature KID to me? Thankies.
Before I've been in troubles for kicking a photographer and I broke his wrist.
This sounds so much worse than it actually was. It was an accident that he broke his wrist, didn't had any intensions to cause thát.

You understand this is not very good for my so called "career" now that this agency fucks the business. I am already connected to another agency, which I don't really like so much because of the amount of weird pornseeking motherfuckers.
This agency is also into porn and all stuff included, and okay, this has probably nothing to do with me but I just think I have to be careful with this people here.
It's all gonna be fine, I have my contacts made already and I will only grow in this.
Nobody tears me down so easily!

And ooh, it is completely yesterday between Fede and moi.
I couldn't stand any longer that we had some troubles and he was acting like a damn kid all the time. We were not able to see eachother, but even on the phone, email, msn, sms this guy acted childish like nothing was wrong.
I've tried to talk to him MANY times, on many ways too.
Still he spilled stupid jokes and he was not even able to do a serious conversation.
Distance was already killing us, and plus these annoying character things made me decide it could not go any further. Sweet guy but this had no chance.
Now we are "friends", and it'll be about months, maybe even a year before we meet again.

Solved?

Ermmm any news?
..*thinks*

My bro is Dutch CHampion Best Gymnast 2006 :|
This mf only sports for a year in my class I teach.
Usually this takes YEARS. He's a fuckface, okay he works hard but this is too fast!
Fucking 13 years old kid..
This weekend it's my turn for the women's category.
What will it be like for me?

I'm thinking about a "last tattoo"(lol: probably not but now I think so) on my arm.
A tough and cool one! I am not sure yet cause I've always said I'd never tattoo my arms or legs. I agree this looks awful (on women) most of times.
But I want something special (?!)

Now I am going to town with Ross.

Kalimeraaaa!

Feelings for you

2006-10-04T06:35:00.000-07:00

Help..

I don't know what to do now.
I am fucking much in love I think. This is not right!
She is a friend, we should not be lovers. This would ruin all probably.

But I can't help it, the more we talk, the more I feel everytime.
And her eyes so blue, her body so perfect.. *sigh*
I don't know what to do.

She's gonna sleep over at my place, from friday till sunday.
We're gonna spend so much good time together.
But I cannot understand, she doesn't know about her sexuality.
She says she feels very attracted to me, but yeah.. could we ever be together?
This is so complicated. Do I have to try on her? Or do I have to hold back?
She'll even sleep in my bed... I cannot resist to kiss her and to touch her pretty body I guess..

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

Why do I have feelings?

I also cannot tell some people, they would not understand.

Pic Update!

2006-09-13T16:05:00.000-07:00

Issues

2006-09-13T13:13:00.000-07:00

Some news, Operation-Sky recorded a few new tracks last night.
Unholy Fuck, and Sick Suicide are finished, the others not yet. Will work on it I promise..
But can only do on the Mac + installation @ dads' so it takes another week.

I miss the whole thing.. Actually not many people know that I've been singer/dancer in two bands looong time ago. I guess I was 17.. We had fun, we had our little succes, and most of all: I had my satisfaction. Something that I cannot feel anymore.
My life should feel okay now, I have a job, I can afford a little more now, have more opportunities here and there. But damn, still that feeling of ultimate satisfaction is not even in sight. What else can I do to reach the maximum happiness? How much would it take for me?

This feels almost like a fucking midlife crisis.. I am only twenty.. HELLO??!
Now this is the right time to start up new things. Goals I've set up for myself, things I find neccesary in my life. Maybe nothing special, only a few small things.

Now I want to be honest with you, I've been talking to Vasi.
And he is the person that drives me so active now tonight.
He is a very fascinating person to me. I adore him, we talk very much.
A little older, more experienced.
So you might understand that he knows a lot... he has seen a lot of things that some people cannot even imagine. He lived his life for years thinking it was right and enough.
But suddenly he realized it wasn't enough, he wanted it to be different.
He was a banker in Switzerland, a very good one.
He had everything a man could ask for. Some nice expensive cars, Chique jewellery, popular brands, women, jetsetlife..
Any man would take his life and would never ever ask for anything more.
But Vasi had thoughts deep inside his mind. Things to do with his life.
He saw unfair games, situations nobody asked for.
His job desired him to play it hard and work along. It's all for the money, all or nothing.
But then he realized how unfair it was, to rob regulary poor people from their little money, to rip Argentinian families apart, to take off their farms, and only because the inflation didn't leave him another choice. Those ritchbitches cannot turn "poor"... they rather steal.
This serious world crisis of inflation was one of the happings that Vasi joined.
And also that what made him change his life completely.
It was a quick decision: Be a part of it or quit.
He did the last. He fought for his passion, and I don't mean cars.. don't mean his watches either.
I am talking about his music. He immediately quit his job as banker, moved from Greece to Switzerland and from Switz to Germany. There he started his new life as musician, fulltime producer and musician. He finally found his satisfaction, finally feels fine in all he does.
This is just like a happy-ending fairytale. His life back on course, everybody happy *cheers*

But the concept is that he did not follow his expensive Prada brains, but his heart.
Something I wish I could do too. To live my desires, and be able to go for a new life completely different.
If I had to follow my heart, I would not know what to do.
Life has always been difficult sometimes, but this is making me crazy.
The incomplete feeling, the feeling of missing someone badly but not wanting to admit it rightaway. I feel blocked, like nothing can really interest me. I cannot speak heart, only mind.
I cannot
Argh. how cliche? Fuck the cliche, it is true! I cannot help it

Something I cannot describe or explain now.
I will, when I find a way

...Myeah..

2006-09-10T10:16:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help but open my big mouth
As I stumbled into you the words fell out
Well you asked me the question
And I just couldn't lie
But why did you bother
When you knew what you'd find
No I didn't mean
To leave you standing in the dark

So blind that I can't decide
If you knew that I
Harboured Beautiful intentions for you
So cruel that I never knew truly
If you harboured beautiful intentions for me

When they give you your identity
Tell me will you recognise yourself?
You're so influenced by the things that you hear
Down with the smoke screen to make everything clear
You gotta learn to live and take it in your stride

Jaded with exhausting pressure
Will I feel like this forever?
Faded inconsistent pleasure
Wear me down wear me out

I wanna know did I disappoint you?
It still hurts to mention the words
That were spoken now
I wanna know, are you contemplating?
The beautifully intended
Yet tainted impression of me

All Nagging..

2006-09-10T09:05:00.000-07:00

Hmm this is my first post here, I should do something like a bigassed introducing of myself.
Nah, I don't feel like. I'd rather feel like nagging around about some bullshit.
That is where these blogs are meant for, aren't they?
You better skip this part.

Okay there we go, I just quit my job.
The job itself was great, the working hours perfect, and the work itself glorious.
Unfortunately my boss wasn't so glorious at all.
I took many stuff from him, but now, I refuse to take any more of his crap.
He makes mistakes, and blames me for anything. We argued a lot, too much.
He's a selfish and proud person. Not wanting to admit mistakes, or listen to someone else.
I hate that kind of people. He insulted me continious, could not stop screaming and yelling instead of normal talking, and made me damn nervous with that.
It almost looked like he damaged a part of my self-confidence, I decided till THIS certain point and not further. I am no fucking trash you can use and abuse for the filthy work.
Nobody calls me certain names I'm not gonna write down, and humiliate me everyday.
I can keep my mouth shut and stay annoyed for a while, but when my mouth opens up you better run. It got very high inside my head, and it had to happen. The moment of bursting out.

Thursday he raged all over me again like a bursting vulcano.
My reaction was short, straight, and right to the point.
He cannot handle that, to get words back from someone.
But I could not keep them to myself any longer.

On friday I had to work too, but guess what, evil Sky.
I always open and close the shop, and I knew I had to work all alone for the whole day.
I called him "a little late" to tell him Í was ill and not going to work.
He freaked out like an idiot again "FUCKING GODDAMMIT, WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSE TO DO NOW?!!! YOU...AAAARGHHH! WE HAVE NOBODY ELSE WHO'S AVAILABLE NOW... etc.
My reply was nothing but " OK.. BYE!" To another boss I'd think along about a solution, to him I thought "FINE"
I've heard rumours the shop was closed all day. YAY but some people never learn about it..

Today I've called this man, and I said that I didn't want to work any longer under his stupid conditions. I quit, and I want my money.

Another problem is that all the times that I've worked I still did not have signed a contract.
I started immediately the day after the job interview cause he was in need for someone,
all in a hurry he said the paperwork would be alright later.

He now could not pay me and deny everything.
But that is NOT gonna happen, I swear.

Everybody spits on him, he's been too much in bad publicity about how he treated his former staff. Nobody likes him, no one cares.
I have the key of his shop, I have the alarmcode, I know how EVERYTHING works...
It's just a warning to say that if I don't get my money.. he could be in mad troubles.
Of course not me would do this, but there are always dumb motherfuckers who are foolish enough to get in this trap. That's why we need people.

To my boss: You are a dumb lying brainless stupid ugly fat kid who must have been bullied his whole youth because of his uglyness and stupidity, and who cannot even communicate like we humans do.
Ooh.. and German!!!

*cough*

I am tired OUT. Had a competition yesterday and done workshops the whole sunday.
It was fun to build a team out of 15 UNEXPERIENCED people, and make them look almost proffessional. It's not very easy to manage such a big group, one second of letting them go their own way and the mess isas big as the group..
They understood pretty well, and enjoyed everything we did.
We were almost finished with the whole choreography, while we expected to do only a small part of the beginning due to the short time every workshop took.
They said it was because of the good teaching, I am not gonna comment on this, if so: Thanks!

And another thing, I decided to work on my "powers", to help people out. (shit, powers sound like an illusionist who sells you bullshit with his fake tricks)
I find it very selfish if I could help people but I sit back and keep the mouth shut.
The only point was that I did not really know HOW to use it.
I know what I am able to do, but I did not know how to go ahead later.
Yesterday at the competition there was some arguing and troubeling going on.
I needed to calm down my cousin, cause it happened all 5 minutes before her performance.
I did not want to let her screw it up, I knew she would if I did nothing about it.
So I took away her anger, nerves and thoughts going through her head about it to make her feel relaxed.
But these fucking things bothered me for hours, and I could not get rid of it.
I almost screwed my own performance cause of these feelings.
They were not even mine, but very strong. I was shaky and felt much pain.
That's what I meant with "'not knowing how to use it" I also have to study this part of it.
"healing" people is great, but I don't want myself to suffer about it so much then.
I've been hiding this for years, but it's time to do something about it.

A true friend of mine who has his own little company at home is going to help me on my ways
through the world of Reiki. He started about it, not knowing a thing, that he felt my field of energy was very active, and he wanted me to get over it and develop it more.
After some long late night discussions I made my decision. YES I AM IN IT